The Invisible Hand

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has come under sharp criticism for failing to show up at the birthday party of The Invisible Hand.

Birthday party organizer Ronald Trickledown released a statement, calling it "a slap in the face to millions of people worldwide who suffer from the scourge of non-visible body parts and economic metaphorism." Harper's decision comes on the heels of similar controversies over his non-attendance at the Monteral Out Games, the International AIDS Conference, and the Porcupine Plain Show & Shine.

Labels: attempted humour, Stephen Harper

CalgaryGrit reports that David Orchard is sending signals that he will be entering the Liberal leadership race.

Personally, I'm going to predict that Orchard finishes third, and either Michael Ignatieff or Gerard Kennedy will win his delegates' support, in exchange for signing an agreement to ban all cross-border commerce with the United States ("no trucks nor trade with Jesusland") and creating a Red Ribbon commission to review the British North America Act.

Labels: attempted humour, Liberal Party

Happy E-Day, everyone!

Labels: attempted humour, Jack Layton, Paul Martin, Stephen Harper

Thanks to my exclusive sources, I've been able to obtain a copy of one of the attack ads that the Liberals will be running in the upcoming election.

Download it now.

(Note: To avoid showing their hand, the Liberals disguised some of the details in this version. "Prime Minister" was changed to "city councilman," while "Stephen Harper" was renamed "Jeff Miller" and "Paul Martin" became "Doug Smith.")

Labels: ads, attempted humour, Liberal Party

I came across this picture of the French Interior Minister awhile back. Remind you of anyone?



"Limitlesssss potential..."

Labels: attempted humour

Pardon me while I take this opportunity to compliment the New Democrats. The party has a new poll on their website; it's a tongue-in-cheek survey on corruption in the Liberal Party. This question was my favourite:

The key difference between the Chrétien and Martin governments is that:

a) only 78% of Liberal MPs in Martin’s government were also MPs during Chrétien’s government, including Paul Martin.
b) only 15 of the current Cabinet members were Cabinet ministers in the Chrétien government, including Paul Martin.
c) the Liberal Party now has a different logo.

Head on over and take the quiz, before the NDP webmaster decides to fix the results. ;)

(Hat tip: CalgaryGrit)

Labels: attempted humour, New Democratic Party

Tory organizer The Invisible Hand has written an open letter calling for the resignation of Carol Jamieson.

The Invisible Hand, who is the chairman of the Conservative Council of The Invisible Hand's Bedroom, says he has received supportive e-mails from over 40 million Canadians and the endorsement of 309 Members of Parliament.

UPDATE: The Invisible Hand was forced to withdraw his letter after it was discovered that Ms. Jamieson does not currently hold any position worth resigning from.

Labels: attempted humour, Conservative Party

With the upcoming session of Parliament looking to be as turbulent as the first, it seems that Paul Martin is secretly bringing in a new staff member to help plan his strategy. My source was able to find out the identity of the new PMO advisor, and provide a sample of the advice he is giving.

Click here for the details

Labels: attempted humour, Paul Martin

GOOD IDEA: Baking a giant cake to celebrate Alberta's 100th birthday


BAD IDEA: Trying to set a record by putting 20,000 candles on said cake


(via CFCN)

Labels: attempted humour

Just say no(oooooo)!

Labels: attempted humour, Paul Martin

Well, the Liberals have been largely successful in spinning this story so that Gurmant Grewal and the Conservatives are being portrayed as being just as bad as Murphy and Dosanjh. (Their latest line is "Gurmant is sexist, because his wife wasn't there!") Because of this, I'd like to suggest that that Grewal should have done the following:

May 18: Grewal issues a press release claiming that Tim Murphy and Ujjal Dosanjh offered him Cabinet positions, Senate seats, etc. in exchange for abstaining from the vote. However, he makes absolutely no mention of having recorded the meetings.

May 19: Murphy and Dosanjh flatly deny that they ever spoke with Grewal about anything to do with abstaining, calling the allegations "baseless." On the nightly news, CTV's lead story is a report from an "unnamed source" on how Grewal once filed a complaint against one of his college teachers, claiming the teacher was biased against him, and that the complaint was dismissed.

May 20: Grewal claims that Paul Martin had known about the meetings and was willing to speak with him. Martin denies any knowledge, calling it a "lie of desparation." Later in the day, Martin says that doing such a thing would be an "act of criminality" and declares that "any Prime Minister who would do something like that should resign immediately."

May 21: The weekend edition of the Globe and Mail has the front page headline "LIBERALS DEFEND AGAINST LIBEL FROM 'SCARY' TORIES."

May 23: Grewal releases tapes of the conversations, but not any of the parts that mention Paul Martin. No comment from Murphy and Dosanjh. Martin says he is "shocked as hell" by the revelations, and promises that "finding the truth in this matter will be a top priority."

May 24: PMO communications director Scott Reid issues a statement on behalf of Murphy and Dosanjh, claiming that they are "victims of a sneak attack."

May 25: Grewal releases the tapes that implicate Paul Martin. When informed of the news during a scrum, Martin makes the following statement: "Uh, uh, I, uh, um, I think I've been perfectly clear that, um, uh..."

May 26: Martin is silent all day, but the Liberal war room issues a flurry of press releases, criticizing Grewal and the Conservatives for everything from delaying the tapes' release to being anti-Punjabi for attacking Dosanjh's integrity.

May 27: When asked about the anti-Punjabi accusation during a scrum, an annoyed Stephen Harper sharply dismisses the claim as "baseless." On the nightly news, CTV's lead story is a report from an "unnamed source" saying that Harper once threw a temper tantrum in a grocery store when he was four years old.

May 28: The weekend edition of the Globe and Mail has the front page headline "'SCARY' CHRISTIANS WIN TORY NOMINATIONS, PLAN TO BAN SPEAKING OF PUNJABI."

Okay, so by the end it's pretty much the same as what really happened.

Labels: attempted humour

I found some interesting messages on my answering machine when I got home tonight...

[12:31:55 PM]
"Hello, Mr. Hand. This is Tim Murphy calling from the PMO. I just wanted to follow up concerning the offer we contacted you-- I mean, you contacted us about moving your blog from the Blogging Tories to Liblogs in exchange for a comfy, furry Welcome mat. Well, I talked to the PM moments ago, and it's been called off."

*BEEP*

[1:54:06 PM]
"Hi Mr. Hand, it's Tim Murphy. Just wanted to confirm that the deal we didn't offer you isn't going to happen. Oh, and the PM had nothing do with this."

*BEEP*

[2:49:44 PM]
"Hand, it's Murphy. I told you, there is no deal. Please don't make us call anymore."

*BEEP*

[3:29:10 PM]
"Me again. No deal means no deal. I'm not going to talk to you again."

*BEEP*

[3:52:59 PM]
"Look, what's it going to take for you to get the message? It's not happening, period."

*BEEP*

[3:56:23 PM]
"No!"

*BEEP*

[3:56:49 PM]
"Why do I have to keep saying this!? NONONONONO!!!!"

*BEEP*

[4:21:37 PM]
(in background) "Yeah Paul, I'll tell him." (normally) "Hi Ujjal, it's Tim calling. Listen, we've decided not to take that Invisible Hand, but there's another guy called Calgary Observer who seems willing to take one of those 'risks,' if you know what I mean. *laughs* How about we offer... Oops, I think I dialed the wrong number."

*BEEP*

Labels: attempted humour